RBL #1

(Not sure how to change the author. Written by Jonathan)

Rembold Basketball League: The Beginning

 

Sitting alone in a dark corner of his office, the cup of coffee as black as the pre-sunset sky. His brother, miles away but also as close as a Snapchat of his feet while taking a dump at midnight. It is here where the world of basketball would be changed forever. In the bottom of a cup of black coffee, and the bottom of a toilet bowl, he took Snapchats while he pooped. If you haven’t figured this out already, this story is a tale of two wildly different teams.

We should probably go all the way back to the St. Louis Hawks. A championship team from the 1950’s whose star player looked more like a banker than a baller. A team that loved to practice and who had to change their shorts anytime a player receives a crisp bounce pass or banks a baby hook off the exact right spot on the backboard. A team that ate their broccoli, a team that always brushed their teeth before bed, a team that waited an hour before jumping in the pool no matter what they ate. A team that was devoid of any style, but full of substance.

After the Hawks left for the obvious landing spot of Atlanta, Georgia, the city of St. Louis was no longer a basketball town. Until the ABA came to town with its multi colored balls, its afros, and its style. St. Louis got a new team, The Spirit of St. Louis, which resulted in a fundamental shift in the way basketball was played in St. Louis. Everything that the Hawks were, the Spirit were not. For one thing one team was a hawk and one was an airplane. Yes they both fly but only one has feathers. In addition to the aviary differences the two teams played in a very different way. Remember how I talked about jizzum and bounce passes? The Spirit never once conducted a bounce pass. And if they ever shot a basket while using the backboard for help, instead of a crisp swish of the net, the player was fined $500. The Spirit ate McDonalds before the game, they smoked cigarettes in the locker room at halftime, and they had fun. But as happens to all good things, they pass and the Spirit were kicked to the curb once the ABA went belly up.

Once again St. Louis was without a basketball team. Only the blacktops, local gyms, and high school games could quench the city’s basketball thirst. Until now, this very moment in time, when the two brothers mentioned above decided to change everything.

 

March 24, 2013…… NBA Offices…… New York, New York

 

Jonathan Rembold sits in an office deep inside the Manhattan high rise that houses the NBA. A video camera sits in the corner pointing at Rembold. The following is a transcription of that interview, which ended up being a podcast, but after poor listenership the NBA moved it to a listicle on Buzzfeed, until the comments below the article became so intense and mean-spirited that they went back to a video on Youtube where the Fine Bros decided to take it down and now it lives on here, as a transcription of a videopodcastarticleinterview.

 

Rembold: Will any of this be sent out to anyone? Why is there a camera here? I thought I just won an All-Star Game fan experience?

 

NBA: Well sir, the All-Star game was last month so I’m not sure why you would think tha—

 

Rembold: Don’t give me lip! I’ll ask the questions here!!

 

NBA: What the hell are you doing? We are trying to help you.

 

Rembold: Ok Ok OK OK OOKKK. I’m ready to cooperate.

 

NBA: Can we get you a cup of coffee or something?

 

Rembold: Don’t belittle me with your free coffee.

 

NBA: Jesus….. OK fine, lets just get to it. We brought you here to discuss bringing an NBA team to St. Louis.

 

Rembold: That’s a great idea, but why are you telling me?

 

NBA: We need someone to own the team, and someone to be a general manager who we can control.

 

Rembold: Whom.

 

NBA: What?

 

Rembold: You mean whom we can control.

 

NBA: Shut the fuck up.

 

Rembold: Yes Sir.

 

NBA: So here’s the story, you will be the General Manager and the “Owner” but in reality we will control the team. It will be in St. Louis but basically in the county. You will be called the Corps, like the Corps of Discovery, the Lewis and Clark guys that went to the Louisiana Purchase.

 

Rembold: Well really they went to Oregon and saw the Pacific while also finding out a lot about the local flora and fau—

 

NBA: Shut the fuck up.

 

Rembold: Yes Sir.

 

NBA: You will be named to Corps and your roster will be your responsibility.  Here is a suit for you to wear while you coach. Other than that the responsibility is in your court.

 

Rembold: That’s it?

 

NBA: Yes

 

Rembold: Great

 

The young man immediately regretted not having a lawyer present, and felt as though he had just been Brendan Dassey-ed and convinced of something he should do even though he has no qualifications.

 

Diary Entry #1

Captains Log #1

Diary Log #1

Nope, Captain’s Log it is…. Captain’s Log #1

 

March 25, 2013

Ok, so I guess I am the owner and GM of an NBA team. I can just see Stephen A. Smith chastising me because I am unqualified and a man who thinks he can just come in and ruin the sanctity of the game of basketball and do whatever he wants while also bringing players in who really shouldn’t be in the league but also this should be a race issue for some reason because Lebron James is the best basketball player in the business and he is critically underrated by television stations and pundits alike. And yes his single sentence would be that long.

But this is beside the point. I need to figure out what to do. Probably find someone who has access to players. We need to figure out what kind of team we need to be… oh fucking, we need colors. We will be nothing without dope colors. Ok, stop everything, we need a color scheme. But I will have to do everything from Kirksville, the basketball capital of the Universe……basically, we are screwed.

 

Jebadiah Burns Diary: March 26, 2013

 

Today I did my jobs. That is all that is worth noting.

 

Captains Log #2

March 30, 2013

Driving back up to school I saw a basketball hoop just outside of Milan, Missouri. I don’t know if its one of those things where now that I’m thinking about basketball I’m seeing it more or maybe it is brand new. The weirdest thing is that there are a lot of Amish and Mennonite people that live in that armpit of a town. They shouldn’t be able to play basketball unless they make everything themselves. Which seems like way too much work but they do seem to love working hard. That will be a pillar of the new team. I like pillars; they can be Roman and stuff while there are also Corinthian columns. If nothing else I have concluded that columns and pillars will be a valuable piece of the Corps.

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